april's poems.

4.9.2015

light red hair

ocean blue eyes

freckles across nose

so young yet

so smart still

a lot to learn

loves her family

and dog

skiing and soccer

naturally gifted

in so many ways

beautiful on the inside

as well as the outside

long road ahead

with bumps

and

thunderstorms

but

with colorful skies

in the end

_______________

4.10.2015

green leaves
dead trees
gray skies
gray ground
fast cars
annoyed drivers
music playing
taylor swift
little boy
in back
playing games
flood it
plants zombies
kids playing
parking lot
throwing balls
yelling laughing
cool air
windows down
friday afternoon

_______________

4.12.2015

laundry done piled in
the basket stuffed
together
too tired to 
mess with

12:35am
technically monday
but it's still
sunday to her

day flew by in
a moment
got a lot done
but
did very little
living

walked the dog
did homework
dreamed of another life

she lived today
going through the motions
getting stuff done
but not living life 
like she wants

someday she thought
as she laid in bed
scribbling in her notebook

it's now 12:40am


she lived her day 
_______________

4.13.2015

monday morning
tea on table
people talking
music playing
mountain views

phones out
new york times in hand
workout gear on
starbucks in the morning

man across from me
eating a danish
reading the funnies
thoughts enter my mind
where is he from?
what's his life story?
how did he get here?

older music plays
in the background
wonder if it
reminds him of
his past

peaceful, calm, collected
this music is
what a day to start
the week

peaceful & relaxed

_______________

4.15.2015

small children climbing
large objects running 
at a slow dog's speed
laughing and screaming
fill the spring air

lost in a book
not acknowledging what's
going on
my body is present
my mind is somewhere else

new york city, 1967
a completely different reality
filled with people 

the kids on the
playground
cannot comprehend 
_______________

4.16.2015

always the night owl
sometimes the early bird

_______________

4.21.2015

white and pink
buds on the tree
blossoming in april

green grass and leaves
smell of new life from
afternoon rain

sitting on a park bench
no one is playing
all my ears pick up
are branches blowing from
the cool breeze
hitting my skin

this is beautiful
this is a perfect moment

_______________

4.22.2015

we were children
riding in a red wagon
with my little sister
father pulling the weight
between us
down the evening
arizona street

white flowers bloom
at 80 degrees
hot for most 
of the
country


running barefoot
on the hell fire
road
not caring
about shoes
my feet were my shoes

when I was a child
pulling the red wagon

_______________

4.24.2015

the body you're born in
may not match your soul
that doesn't make your weird
the world may not support you
but you cannot make the world happy

be happy in the skin your in
if that means changing your
body to match your soul
do what you gotta do
fuck the people that
judge you

you're happiness comes first
people may look at your differently
judge you for your choices
but they don't realize how you
feel is not a choice

you gotta be who you are
whether or not the people
around you feel the same

they can't feel your pain
or understand your feelings

_______________

4.25.2015

1:31am

the earth's magnetic pull
cannot stop leaves being
blown into the air by a soft
morning autumn breeze

the way a feather glides
through the air as though
it's being pulled gently by
a nonexistent string

closing her eyes this
thought runs through
her ever present wild
mind breathing in the
silence of the stars

_______________

4.26.2015

                rain on sunday

    typical spring day

                too warm for snow

    river flows strong

                these lazy days

are my favorite

                book in hand

        sweater with sweatpants

_______________

4.27.2015

as midnight approaches
a little cat sleeps soundly
checkered pillow fuzzy blanket

green eyes open slowly
little pink ears straight up
snuggled into the blanket

his stare into the camera
says it all

leave me be
_______________

4.28.2015

young girls sitting in a
bathtub smoking
stolen cigarettes
complaining about
how awful life is

they're 16 
a scene
straight out of a
film from the 1960s
 because it's the 60's
but there is no camera

smoke leaves one of
the young girls mouth
coughing follows
thinking they're dramatic

mother knocks on the door
needing to get ready
girls burn out
the hell fire

jazz in the background
life goes on

stop and smell the roses, won't you?

Emily: "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every, every minute?"
Stage Manager: "No. Saints and poets maybe... they do some."
Our Town by Thornton Wilder

My dad once told me, "You see the world from a different perspective than most people." He had just gotten home from working late and I had just gotten through with informing him about all the little things that happened throughout my day. I cannot remember what I had said or the events of that day. All I remember is standing in the dim kitchen light after he walked upstairs, replaying those words in my head over and over again. 

Ever since that moment, I've realized just how right my dad was. When I go to the super market or walk down the street, I wonder why people are so busy checking things off their to do list that the little things float right by them, invisible to their eyes. Don't they ever stop and smell the roses?

Maybe I have always seen the world through a different perspective. Or perhaps as I've gotten older and have been through struggles that most never have to experience, I gravitated towards this way of thinking. It's my way of survival, keeping me sane in this insane world. I choose to focus on the little things, the things that bring me joy.

When I'm driving to or from work, instead of getting annoyed there's traffic that I can't do anything about, I focus on the song that's playing or how beautiful the weather is. If the weather is awful I am thankful that my car has heaters or A/C. There's no use in getting upset over a situation you can't control. The only thing you can control is how you react. Stuck in traffic? Put on some music and sing at the top of your lungs. Why be frustrated not being able to move when you can have a mini concert in your car?

For a lot of my life, I have dealt with anxiety. Let me tell you, getting nervous and overthinking every single detail in life was my bread and butter. I don't know when there wasn't a time in my early life that I wasn't anxious. Maybe because I remember bad events and very small details no one else can recall that best. I think my younger self would have been happy to hide from the outside world forever if that meant nothing bad would ever happen to me. 

Then last year I went through a lot with my health. It felt like one thing after another, getting tested to make sure I don't have one disease and being poked the next. I remember crying in the waiting room before my first procedure because I was thinking of all the bad things that could possibly be wrong with me. 

About a month after that first test, I had to have another procedure. I remember I was having a lot of anxiety the days leading up to it. It's the fear of the unknown and wanting everything to be okay but at the same time having something in the back of my mind list off all the horrible things that could be wrong with me. My procedure was in the afternoon and I had to work in the morning. That morning in particular was very stressful, where I had to focus on the well being of someone else instead of thinking about my procedure that afternoon. It was an unfortunate and frightening situation, but it took me out of my own head. On the way to the hospital after leaving work, I couldn't help but think about what had happened. I was no longer anxious about what I was about to go through.   

Something inside me switched off that day. Maybe it was what happened or how I was feeling about life up until that point. I remember waking up the next day, for the first time I could remember, not feeling scared about what the day might bring. That was a whole new feeling for me and it felt pretty damn good. As though I could face whatever the universe through my way. I could take it without being scared of what the outcome may be. Fortunately the doctors found out what was causing my issues and have been able to breathe easier knowing nothing was life threatening.   

Instead of worrying what's to come in the day, I focus on the little things. Whether it's birds flying across an open sky or telling someone to have a nice day. It's the little things that mean the most but are often overlooked with the bigger issues going on. One thing I try to do each day is to notice the little things and be thankful for the life I have. Appreciate the little moments, the joys of living. 

In spring of 2014, I discovered how important writing is to me. Whether it's a poem, a blog post, or a short story, I'm able to let out all my thoughts in a healthy way. Some pieces will only be for me while others I will let the world see. Focusing on all my feelings and translating that into words on a paper is extremely satisfying. My favorite thing about writing is trying to capture a little moment so when someone reads it they can relive that moment as though it's their own.

Life is beautiful and goes by in a blink of an eye. We can get too focused on daily life we forget that we're blessed to be alive. Be thankful to inhale and exhale, if nothing else.

Will you take a moment to stop and smell the roses?

'til next time.

Kelly.

july's poems.

7.6.2015

hot tea sits in a

blue mug with a

green stripe along

the middle on a

checkered table

cloth

a man no longer

considered young

but not old

enough to die

old sits next

to the table

the burning tea

cup is on

reading the 

new york times

though round dirty

glasses he breaths in

the crisp air

_______________

7.15.2015

red in her hair
flowers on a dark shirt
focused on work
changing songs she
stops to admire
the art in front
of her

it's haunting
not many people would
understand her mind
how it works or the
places it goes

sun hits her back
from the bare window
she's young, troubled
but beautiful as well

looking at her
I think to myself
please, please don't
let the evil in your
mind blind you from 
your wonderful life

scribble scribble
art that very few
will take notice
is created

she lays her head
on the black beanbag
fighting light
wanting sleep

I wonder how far
this girl is in her head
what thoughts does she think
that creates the darker
outer appearance

she's sick one moment
fine the next
wonder how much is real  
and the rest in
her head

blue eyes white skin

_______________

7.17.2015

the smell of autumn
blows in the crisp air

leaves fall to the ground
earth changing color

reminding humans that death
is beautiful to be reborn

_______________

7.18.2015

afternoon storm
rolls in with
dark clouds thunder
electricity shocking
the earth causing
heavy winds that 
blow the green trees
back and forth

it's the universe's way
of showing me
life can change in
an instant from
heavenly beautiful
to hell in a handbasket 

_______________

7.24.2015

denying is easier
not acknowledging
who you are is simple
until it's not

locking your problems
in a box pushing
it to the back of
your mind

convincing yourself
your happy
content with who 
you are but really
you're not

denying the problem
what's bothering
you for your entire life
is unhealthy
until one day
you explode

it takes a lot to
accept who you are
including the things
that scare you
the most  

_______________

7.28.2015

oh darling

you said we were
meant to be

I replied you're silly
and said we'll see

that was years ago
one summer night
by a lake
just you and me

looking back now
in the same spot
you said years ago
smoke from the campfire
blows in my face

as I walk out
on the dock
one calm summer night
a smile cannot leave
my suntanned face

the mirrored water
reflects the pink
clouds in the sky
stars glitter over
the calm lake
three birds fly
from the pink to
the dark sky
light by the stars
and the sight
of a crescent moon

you call my name
and it all comes
back in flashes
how young we were
and how certain
you were about
you and me

oh darling
how right you are
right
            indeed

_______________

7.31.2015

warm water from
the sunny
lake
runs between
her rainbow toes
as she
ponders
what is
this life all
about besides
money
wanting to
be more than
life but
dreams
she had
were like the
clouds above
big
but too
far to grab

beauty is only skin deep

"Only my mom taught me that the secret to wearing makeup is to make it look like you're not wearing any."
-Becky, Full House 'Back to School Blues'

I wasn't the girl who spent hours in the mirror trying to look beautiful or older. In fact, I was proud to get out the door if I got ready in under three minutes. I was never interested in makeup, very little interest in brushing my hair. I wasn't a tomboy or a girly girl. I was just didn't have any desire to enhance my look. Lots of the girls in middle school and high school would spend hours on their hair and makeup. I did it once in 10th grade and was over it the next day. Too much work to look like someone I don't recognize were my thoughts on makeup. All throughout my teenage years my skin was clear, a pimple here and there but I would be complimented for my flawless skin. I remember talking to a friend about how I barely wore any makeup because I was confident in who I was, that I didn't need to hide who I am with makeup.  

That was before I developed adult acne.

I thought because I was blessed with beautiful skin as a teenager, I would never have to worry about acne. What no one told me is that you can get acne at any time in your life, doesn't matter whether you're a teenager or an adult. So when I started getting acne the summer before my 21st birthday, I didn't know how to handle it. Why am I getting pimples? I'm not a teenager anymore, this should not be happening. My skin didn't listen to me and the acne is still as present now as it's been these past few months.

I've been to the dermatologist and what they give me helps to control it a bit but not enough to make everything clear up. I've learned it's a process and that nothing will work the first time or the second time. It can be frustrating and annoying at times if I let my mind focus on my skin problem. Realizing that focusing on it does not make the acne go away nor change anything.

Makeup has somehow magically turned into my new best friend. From being confident in my own clear skin to spending time covering up my imperfections is a big eyeopener for me. Now I get why girls and woman spend so much time trying to look like their best self. It's not a mask like my younger self once thought, it's to help you make you feel more presentable to face the world without feeling like the world can see all the problems on your face.

When I was growing up I was obsessed with Full House. I woke up every morning at 6am to watch two episodes before getting ready for school. I've probably seen every episode at least three times. There was an episode called 'Back to School Blues' where DJ was starting middle school and thought to fit in she had to wear a lot of makeup. When she did her makeup without anyone telling her how to wear it, she looked like a clown. Overdone and way too much of everything. When her dad finds out she wants to wear makeup, he does know how to handle it. He doesn't want his little girl to grow up and it's harder because his wife isn't there to teach DJ the proper way to put it on. That's when Becky, her dad's coworker and her later to be aunt, asks if she can help. 

I love that line Becky tells DJ. It's powerful, young girls who are just learning to wear makeup should be told this. A little goes a long way and you don't want to look like a clown. You want to look like your best self, not someone that doesn't look like you. 

From being the girl that refused to put on any makeup it any at all to the young adult who wears make up to covers up my imperfections, wanting to look as natural as possible has always been my goal. I'm not trying to look like a model, but to look presentable.

So when people talk to me, they're looking at me not focused on my skin problems. If I don't want it to be the main focus when I look at myself, I don't want it to be yours either.

'til next time.

Kelly.