Have You Heard?

There is good to gain the day

Walk Whitman was correct

We must find good each day

Life is beautiful

But you see

Negativity blinds our perspective to breathe

Breathe the good air poisoned by man

We must appreciate today

There is good to be gained each day

What I say this day is correct

I Feel Pretty: A Hair Journey

I got a haircut over the weekend, something I've been wanting to do for quite some time. It's pretty short, the shortest I can remember having it since I was a little girl.

Last fall, I lost a significant amount of hair due to seborrheic dermatitis (and possibly Hashimoto's, which I was diagnosed with earlier this year). I had thick white build up all over my scalp. It got so bad, I could feel it on my head when I would raise my eyebrows. Over time, I became impatient that the treatment for my seborrheic dermatitis wasn't working fast enough and extremely annoyed with being able to feel what's on my scalp without touching it with my hand. So I did what any fed up person would do: I picked off the build up. And with the shedding of the white annoyance, my hair followed along.

You see, the thickness was so thick that it covered the follicles of my hair. The first time I noticed I bald spot on my head, I instantly became self-conscious. I asked my cousin if she could see anything. Even though she said no, I could feel a bare place without hair on my head and I felt embarrassed. I knew the damage had been done.

A few weeks later, after my birthday, I began the process of continued picking for about a month. Picking to get the white stuff off. Picking to be set free of this disgusting feeling. Picking to release myself from my own personal hell. I wasn't thinking about the future in those moments, I was only thinking about how to make this thing go away as soon as soon as possible.

But then the future came and I had major bald patches all over my scalp. It was so bad that I couldn't wear my hair in a ponytail or tucked behind my ears without my bare head being exposed to everyone to see. Though no one pointed it out, I could see it and that's all I cared about. I obsessed over it. One problem solved, another uncovered.

I was very hesitant to cut my hair. I had spent the entirety of last year obsessing over growing it out. I wanted long hair, as long as I could get it. I was determined to have it because I thought long hair was beautiful and I wanted to have that kind of beauty. Though, as the year went along and summer faded into fall, my long hair became thinner. I was in denial about how bad it was getting. My hair was coming out in strands that looked like extensions. I was in denial of my hair reality because I wasn't ready to let go of the dream of having long hair. I would tell people I would cut my hair when it got to a certain length. Just a little bit longer, I'd say to myself.

I cut my hair before I could get to my dream length. I cut my hair in December, the end of a stressful year for many reasons. I cut my hair because I was tired of lying to myself. I cut my hair because I could no longer look in the mirror and deny that my long hair was so thin, it no longer looked like mine. My dream came crashing down and I was left with long spaghetti strands as hair.

Yesterday, I watched a conversation between Oprah and Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer is promoting a movie called "I Feel Pretty". While talking to Oprah, Amy made a comment that inspired me to want to write this long post. "What if I just loved myself today, right now, how I am? I don't want to be striving for this other version." Letting go of society's conditions of how women are supposed to look is difficult. From a young age, we are taught the standard of beauty women are supposed to follow. Shave all of your hair, wear high heels, make sure nothing is out of place. Lose weight, starve yourself, get a tan. In order to be seen pretty by people, specifically men, we are given a list of boxes we must check in order to achieve the goal: finding a man to spend the rest of our lives with and have children. It's not until I became an adult that I realized the list has no room for mistakes. The list is unrealistic. The list doesn't allow for room to love yourself the way you are.

With Amy's words still in my head, I went to go look at myself in the mirror. I shed the dream of wanting long hair by admiring my short hair. For the first time in a while, I looked in the mirror and felt confident in who I am. I like how my hair looks now. I'm no longer striving for another version of me. I see myself and love myself for who I am. I think I look beautiful. I have the confidence to write that I walked away from the mirror feeling as though I am the best version of me now. Because I am. 

Admiring The Season

I stop to take photographs of flowers blooming. 
The boy I watch states that he hates spring
because I take too many photos. I laugh at his statement. 
He's too young to truly comprehend the beauty
of a blooming flower. How a new season
brings new details and sights that should
be appreciated. Most of us spend the majority
of our days caught up in our heads, thinking about
the next task to check off for the day. We walk by flowers
blooming as though it happens all the time,
as though they will always be there. They will not.
They will wilt, die, and fall from their stems.
Then they will grow, bloom, and burst with
color the next season. I try to take time to stop
and take a photograph because it's important to smell
the flowers and acknowledge the transitioning seasons.
I hope the boy I watch will one day grow up to 
take time out of his day to admire
the earth and the beautiful flowers.

Overload

It's impossible to keep up with today's media.
Whether the news is true or fake, there's an overload
of information being dealt out faster than anyone can comprehend.
In today's society, facts are less important than they were in the past.
I can't understand why facts are now seen as suggestions
to believe instead of being taken as what they are: the truth.