Breaking the Cycle

i. when you hear the same questions being asked.

you wonder how many times
the same event has to happen
under different circumstances
in order to find real answers.

ii. when you hear the same answers being used.

you become tired of listening 

to the same conversations

and nothing being done to

change the recycled patterns.

iii. when you hear new voices standing up.

you have hope that the
next generation will
have the answers we
cannot think of ourselves.

Level Three

I get up after receiving a phone call I was anticipating. I wasn't expecting to hear what I was told. I felt as though I was in a dream. I knew something was coming but I wasn't prepared for it.  I was emotional but I thought I had shed all of my tears.

Walking across the hallway, I thought about defining moments. Moments that shift or change the protagonist's direction. How cinematic these moments appear in movies. How layers are added in stories. How the music in the background will forever be connected to those moments. I can't remember what I was listening to on my headphones as I walked on the checkered floor, down the stairs, and out the side door. 

We all have pivotal moments that shape our lives in different ways. Whether happy or sad, tragic or silent, these moments wake us up to either who we are or those around us. How we can remember random details that we'd normally forget. The temperature outside, the time of day, who was present, what was happening externally and internally. We can think back to these moments and almost relive them. 

As I open the door to climb up to the third level of the parking structure, the emotions come crashing into me and tears fall out of my eyes like rain. I push forward, up the stairs, wanting to be in the safety of my car. Though I could only push so far. I stopped on the second flight of stairs because my body was incapable of moving with so much intense emotion flowing through me. I inhale and exhale. I tell myself it's okay, something I didn't know would be true. When I finally make it up to my car, my cheeks are red and my eyes are blurred. I wipe the tears away. I turn on my car and continue my day.

This moment has stayed with me for a number of reasons. It's difficult to not feel in control of your own body. It's difficult to have a ton of information thrown at you and be expected to swallow it like a spoon full of sugar. We all process these moments differently. I burst into tears from experiencing too many intense emotions at once. Many people interpret tears as sadness. Though I wouldn't say I was sad. I was overwhelmed about being forced to turn in a direction I wasn't prepared for.

Since then, I have processed what I was told. Actually, I'm still processing this and what it means for my life going forward. I expect I'll be processing things for at least the next couple of months. I am okay and I know I will continue to be okay knowing what I know now. I am thankful and grateful for finding out the way I did. It's another box of things I did not choose but have no choice but to accept. 

No one tells you life is going to be easy. We all have different journeys and perspectives from the experiences we endure that we did not choose. Though it's how we choose to process those unexpected changes and move forward that defines our outlooks on life.

43.1632° N, 70.6188° W

I'm walking barefoot down a long stretch of beach.

It's summer, two days after the longest day of the year.

The cold I have has taken away my voice. It hurts to speak. 

I'm wearing a black and white striped dress. 

I bought it at Old Navy the week before. 

It's comfortable and flowy, it blows in the wind as I walk. 

My dark navy Keds sneakers and phone in one hand, 

Venti Green Tea Latte from Starbucks in the other. 

Headphones in my ears blast the same song on repeat.

Seagulls fly around me and land on the sand reflecting the sky. 

The air is filled with the smell of seaweed.

I let go of the stress that consumed me.

Relieved from weight of not knowing.

Free to breathe without hesistating.

I sip my drink and hum the melody, too sick to sing.

Process - Up & Down

Last week, I felt many emotions.

Betrayal of my own body -
how could you possibly do
this without consulting me?

Scared of what this means -
diving into another unknown
without seeing where the bottom goes.

Anger at this list -
another thing to add to
things I cannot control.

Fear of what's next -
blindly stepping into yet
another arena with no warning


Many tears have been shed,
much more will come soon.
Emotions are how I process.

I'm not sad for myself,
no, "oh god, not again!"
no asking, "why me?"

I don't ask myself
answerless questions
as I mentally prepare

to check another box
of things I did not choose
but have no choice

but to accept.