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Friday, December 18, 2015

a perspective poem.

In early December, I wrote my first words about stuttering in months. This poem was inspired by a conversation I had with my mother. She told me I should enjoy this moment of good speech. I responded I know I should but I also know this won't last. Out of the encouragement from her and discouragement from me, came a piece that completely changed the way I viewed my stutter.




This won't last
I said to myself out loud
with perfect clarity
as though my speech
is like most human beings

It is at this moment

But it won't last

I tell myself I should
not get used to this
it'll only do more harm
than good if I let
myself enjoy these
fluid moments of
pure speech
and pretend to be
like everyone else

But I do
because I'm human
I let myself fall for
something I know could
go away at any second

With one switch
everything will change
my reality will be different
my thoughts will be gray
my speech will stumble
my voice will vanish
and the replacement 
will be the thing I
will naturally despise
and want desperately
to hide

It's hard to accept
what I don't wish to
acknowledge and
would rather push
every thought that
could help to the
back of my mind
and lock it up like
everything is fine and
the world is glorious

I'm trying though
trying to accept
who I am
so when the
stutter and stumbles
return I'll be prepared
to embrace everything
as best I can

Right now I'm at war
with myself
not knowing where to shoot
hoping by good luck
I have defeated the problem

Waiting for the enemy
to show it's face
so we can make peace
and find a way to
live around each other
without destruction


Right now is good
right now is fine

I'm trying to enjoy
the place I'm at
while mentally preparing
for what's to come
knowing the war
could resume
at anytime

Ready to make peace
with who I am
to stop the war
I face each day

My inner monologue
I want to silent
and put to rest
so we can work
together to tackle
the world without
conflict and tears

It's possible
I believe this
to be true

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