baby blues, a short story.

Baby Blues

            Another wedding, another trip home.

            Sitting patiently on the plane, waiting to get to the gate so I can get off this stuffy airplane, with crying babies and annoying children, as quickly as possible. Not that I don’t love babies or kids, because I absolutely do, just not when I’m on an airplane. Looking over at my husband, Adam, who is reading a book and trying to block out the noise around us, glanced up from his book and smiles at me. He knows that the baby who is crying three rows behind us makes me uncomfortable. But for a different reason then you probably think.

            “Why is it that every time we fly home, we’re always stuck with at least three babies on the plane and one of them cries the entire flight?” I ask, with frustration and a bit of sadness in my voice.

            My husband closes his book, grabs my hand and gives me a reassuring kiss on my head. “I know it’s hard to deal with right now, but we’ll have our own kids someday when we’re meant to have them.”

            “But why can’t that someday be here already? I know I’m complaining right now, Adam. But it’s hard to see everyone in the world having babies and I’m just sitting here feeling like I will never have children.”

            “Remember when you were a kid and all your friends had this awesome toy and you were the only one that didn’t have it? The day you finally got this toy was even more special because you dreamt about this toy for months and waited patiently for it.”

            “Well it’s hard to be patient when I have my entire family, including extended family, constantly ask me if I’m pregnant. And when I say no, they go on this rant about things I can do to increase my chances of getting pregnant. They put pressure on me which makes it even more difficult to have a baby.”

            Adam sighs, knowing my family’s unrealistic expectations to get pregnant. “Babe, don’t even listen to them. When they ask simply say that when it’s meant to be it’ll be. We’re still in our 20s and have our whole lives ahead of us.”

            “But ignoring them is a lot harder to do then it is to say. I will end up in a bathroom crying my eyes out.” I reply knowing how this works. This has happened many times before.

            “Lizzy, just focus on Sarah’s wedding, being a bridesmaid, and having a good time catching up with old friends. Don’t let your family ruin your trip home.”

            “Okay.”

            As the plane parks at the gate and the fasten seat belt sign goes off, I breathe out air I didn’t realize I was holding in during the entire flight

           

            I was the first one to get married out of my group of girlfriends. Funny thing about that is everyone said I would be the last one to get married. Funnier thing is I actually agreed with them. All my friends wanted to settle down, get married, and have babies by the time they’re 25. I, being the black sheep of the group, wanted to travel the world, meet crazy people with life stories that you wouldn’t even believe were true, and be as young as the morning sky. I wasn’t desperate to find my soul mate at 17, fall deeply, passionately, and addictively in love, and have two kids by the time I’m 23.

            Those were my thoughts when I was 16 years old. When I turned 17, my friend’s thoughts turned into my reality. Well everything except for the two kids by the time I was 23. You see, my story is what lots of young girls dream their life to be like: meet a guy, fall in love, have some kids and live happily ever after.

            When I got married at 19, my mother gave me some advice. She married my dad when they were both 18 and had my sister 9 months later. “Elizabeth,” she only used my full name when I was in trouble or had something important to say. “I want you to know that getting married young is very difficult, and there will be times when you want to pull Adam’s hair out, but it is rewarding at the end of the day. Stick together and be honest with each other. Don’t keep any secrets or hold anything back. ”

            I gave her a tiny smile, knowing this story by heart. Her advice came in handy during the first few years of marriage. Our marriage has been through many more downs than ups. Adam and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary two weeks ago and still no baby. Everyone always asks us why don’t we have a child yet. We politely smile and tell them, “When we’re meant to have kids, we’ll have them. Right now we are just enjoying being young and falling more in love with each other everyday.”

            What people don’t know is that we’ve had great difficulty trying to have a baby. I have gotten pregnant twice but have miscarried during the first trimester for both. My doctor stays positive that I will be able to carry a child to full term and my husband is always there for me. It’s extremely hard on me, both mentally and physically, each time I lose a baby. I cry for weeks, never wanting to leave my house. Having to see all my friends with babies is the most difficult. I imagine what my life would have been like if I had a baby. With Adam’s beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes, with my cheekbones and mouth. Everyone said we would have beautiful babies someday. The question is, when will that someday turn into today?

            After I miscarried the second baby, I started questioning if I really wanted to be a mom. Every girl I knew growing up would always talk about how many kids they would want and what all the names would be. Dreaming of a reality, without realizing the consequences of their dreams. I would smile at them, not really caring about how many kids I would have. I wanted to be a kid and not think about anything else. I had no idea then that I would have trouble having a kid of my own.

            Adam was stronger than me on the outside. When the second one happened, he held me while I cried, not letting anyone on the outside know how lost he felt on the inside. He wouldn’t let anyone see him weak, not even his own mother. He was raised to be strong on the outside and not show emotion about any situation he was in.

            Later after getting home from the doctor, I woke up to him crying on the sofa. I knew he thought I was asleep, and thought I wouldn’t hear him cry. He wanted me to rely on him in times of weakness. I didn’t look down on him for crying over what had happened. Even though he’s my rock, I like seeing this side of him. Watching a rock roll down a hill doesn’t make it any less strong, the rock just needed to get closer to the earth. And that’s what my Adam needed, to get closer to himself and to me. Letting out his emotions brings us closer together. Adam looked up from lying on the couch, with tears rolling down his cheeks and swollen eyes.

            “Oh, you’re up from your nap. How’re you doing?” Adam asks, sitting up on the couch while attempting to wipe his tears.

            I pause, not knowing exactly what to say. “I’m doing as best as I can with what I’ve been through today.” His swollen eyes looked over my puffy face.

            “It’s just so hard on you Liz, that I try to be the stro—“ Tears start to fall down his face again, he looks down trying to control his emotions.

            Sitting down on the couch next to him, I touch his face with my hands. Adam looks into my eyes. “You don’t have to be the strong one around me. To everyone else, okay. But don’t ever hold back your emotions from me, ever.”

            “I don’t understand why this happens. Why we aren’t we able to have a baby?”

            “That question has been on my mind all day. Going back and forth over what I could have done. Then realizing that there was nothing I could have done. Maybe I’m not meant to have a baby right now or maybe ev—“ Resting my head on Adam’s shoulder, not being able to talk anymore.

            We sat on the couch for a while, letting each other feel the pain over loosing our baby. Thinking about what could have been but stopping myself before I would start to cry again.

            “Maybe we aren’t meant to have a baby right now. We are still kids ourselves. We have our whole lives ahead of us. If we are meant to have kids later in life, that’s great. But right now let’s focus on our relationship and everything else will fall into place.” Adam whispers into my ear, saying what I’ve been thinking all day.

            “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” I whisper back into his ear.

            “And no matter what happens, know that we will go through it together.” He lifts his head to look at me. Pushes away the hair that’s stuck on my face and kisses my forehead.

            We lay together on the couch, letting our conversation sink into our reality. Holding each other tight while we fall asleep on the couch, dreaming about our life just being the two of us.

           

            The hour long drive from the airport to my parent’s house always feels like days instead of 60 minutes. Mom picked us up this time and she didn’t waste anytime talking about the one topic I wanted to avoid this weekend.

             “Am I going to be a grandmother soon?” Mom asks with a snarky tone in her voice.

            Taking a deep breath, I reply softly but with.control “Mom, you already are a grandmother, to three beautiful children might I add.”

            “I know, honey. But what I don’t have is any beautiful grandchildren from you. When are you going to have children, dear? You two have been married for over 5 years now. I would have thought you would have at least 2 kids by now.”

             “Well maybe we don’t want to have kids yet, mother. Maybe we’re waiting until we’re ready to have them. Maybe we’re just enjoying our life together as a young married couple. It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.” I replied, trying to get her to drop the subject.

            “Oh, but Elizabeth! You need to have children when you’re young so you have the energy to take care of them. Also you can lose the baby weight faster the younger you have kids.”

            Adam, knowing how uncomfortable this conversation is for me, tries to change the subject. “Jacquie, how’s Richard doing? Still working on his golf swing?”

            “He’s doing fine dear. Yes, he is still working on his golf swing unfortunately. I keep telling him we are much too young to golf. That’s what old people do. Anyway, Elizabeth—“

            “I am not you, mom. I’m not meant to have children young. I don’t want to have them right now. I’m still trying to find out who I am in life, much less taking care of a life we created. How do you expect me to have kids when I’m practically still a kid?!” Trying to fight back the tears forming in my eyes.

            “Having kids when you’re young is the way to do it. Get it over with so you don’t have to worry about your ticking clock la—”

            “Mother, I am twenty four years old. I do not need kids right now. I have things I want to do with my life, places I want to explore, and people I want to meet. I’m not ready for a kid.”

             “But if you just—“

            Me: “That’s enough! I suggest we change the subject now or stop talking unless you want me to open the door and jump out of this car.”

             “Now that’s being a little over dramatic. Elizabeth, don’t you want a family of yo—“

            “SHUT UP ALREADY! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!! I’M SICK OF YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BABIES. THAT’S ALL WE TALK ABOUT! YOU NEVER ASK ME HOW I AM OR WHAT I MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH! IT’S ALWAYS: BABIES THIS! BABIES THAT! BABIES, BABIES, BABIES! YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHER I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS! I WANT TO HAVE A NICE AND RELAXING WEEKEND WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY WITHOUT BRING UP BABIES! ENJOY THE ONES YOU HAVE NOW BECAUSE THOSE MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONES YOU’LL EVER HAVE! OKAY? STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!”

            My sudden outburst shocked both Mom and Adam. My husband knew it was coming. He knows how much this subject makes me sad. My mom, on the other hand, didn’t know anything about my pregnancies or my miscarriages. I knew she would just suggest things I could do to get pregnant again and be by my side during the entire 9 months, hovering over me day and night. But I didn’t want her there. My mom is a controlling person and would put unnecessary stress on me that would not be healthy.

            Mom and Adam talked quietly about life at home, while I stared out the window. I knew this was going to happen. It always does. Silently praying that she wouldn’t bring up babies again this weekend. But knowing her, she would corner me sometime this weekend, demanding to know why I don’t want kids and what she can do to see that I become pregnant sometime in the next year.

            Looking out the window, I dream about the life I could have had and the reality I am living in today. Will I have kids someday? Like we always say: “If it’s mean to be, it’ll be.”